Day 20 th of March 2000

Warning this is my diary if you choose to read it you are

accepting that you may expand your mind. Be aware that some of my realisations can easily make you see life in a different way. Do you really want that? you can read this as fiction or fact its your choice. But be aware that my mind state is great I enjoy life and try to make it the most constructive I can, whereas before I felt my life was a bit of a nightmare.

...YOUR THOUGHTS GOVERN THE REALITY AROUND YOU.

READ ON IF YOU WISH OR SWITCH YOUR COMPUTER OFF AND GO TO BED!

20th March

O.k. right here I am writing my first entry in the Journal of Zak.net...Great...an idea that came to me and im sure that  ill regret it in the future....or not!...hoho..

Im a strong believer in Belief = reality...what you believe is what your reality is!...right...anyway i'll write up the whole concept in the CONCEPTS area later.

For those who are thinking....IS THIS GUY MAD. don't, Ive been through soooo much in my life...im 27 years old and want to tell my story...it is indeed a weird one conclusions that I have come too will be explained

For me to get to where I am now has been a journey too complicated to sum up infact it would take years (may be 27--hoho) to explain...and yes my dry humour is the one that really sends me of on tangents.

so I go of on Tangents....right i'll put in my ambition box don't go of on tangents and date it...

Ive always had a problem with the simplest of spellings and often get confused at menus an and spelling THIS I BELIEVE IS DYSLEXIA, so in the ambitions I will research Dyslexia...(I already have learn't some really good reading and writing techinique in this field)

so find out about DYSLEXIA!...When I was in school I was the only Asian guy in the class, this obviously was a reason to be put in Remedial class...I was sooooo pissed   off by this, that I immediately had a problem with being taught anything coz Im Asian...I had SUCH A CHIP ON MY SHOULDER FOR YEARS COZ OF THAT....

so right I event effected me for years! emmm!..now you see that way I think er!

so my quest began to understand what problems were caused by the past, how I can unlock them and LIVE IN THE NOW- thats a Concept that is.

Im really quite excited about this site... I hope you will eventually see how my experiences took me to my current mind set.

I mean Ive made some mistakes, and some big ones...but in the eternal quest of right and wrong, the only discovery is self-discovery.

I'd like say a hello to Steph, Greg and Cloe three spirits that visited me I hope to see them soon.

Heres some stuff that keeps me going when all seems Grim..

WE ARE THE PRODUCT OF BILLIONS OF YEARS OF EVOLUTION. YOU READING THIS NOW IS JUST THAT.

SO LETS CELEBRATE!...LETS PARTY....BUT LETS UNDERSTAND THE MISTAKES WE HAVE ALL MADE AND UNIFY OUR UNDERSTANDINGS( em is this what the net is doing?).

I'd like to go into every bloody concept my little head has come up with over the last few years but I can't type fast enough!...anyone want a job???, but are they my concepts or are they a sum total of my experiences? Do I own my thoughts or are the in some huge pool of information that everyone has access too?

So for all you people out there, who will be following this

welcome the MY VERY WACKY WORLD.

TODAY IS DAY 1 IN GIVING UP SMOKING!

END.- (Day 1 - over and out!)

21st March 2000.

Hello......right first things first...Ive had half a cigarette...oh noooo. ....but hey it was to fight that craving right ....yeah...thats right...so I win......ooooh nooo

I feel such a failure......BUT DO I REALLY?

What is the sence of failure?

There is a thing I call the Upper and Downer scale, it has many different names but thats what I call it.....Basically everyone remembers their happiest moment....and every one remembers their most unhappiest moment!...that I call the upper and downer scale!... that is a concept that I will write about later...

Reading through my last journal entry ive realised just how bad my grammer and spelling is!..

I was not taught the concept of grammer at school, or maybe I was, can't really remember...So a new GOAL......LEARN WHAT THE HELL GRAMMER IS ALL ABOUT!

I was working on the old tangents yesterday....it was a bit weird, I found myself going right of the track of the conversation...

In a conversation flow do we have a subject? do we actually have an objective? do we actually have a specific point to talk about?

Yes and No...I think its dependant on the seriousness of the subject brought up. Ive got friends that I can ramble of for hours with and not actually hitting 1 conclusion but 1000s of different ones that form a tapestry of a vocal journey.

Ive so many thoughts whizzing around my head at that moment, so many things I have to do, so many things I want to achieve....AM I RUNNING AWAY FROM SOMETHING???

Naaa...what I reckon is that coz I wasn't given enough encouragement as a childs so Im caught in this loop of needing to acheive...but always feeling like an underachiever!.... So thats a concept in itself....IF YOU WERE NEVER ENCOURAGED AS A CHILD YOU WILL EITHER FIND THE NEED TO CONTIUOUSLY ACHIEVE OR GO THE OTHER WAY AND HAVE NO SELF BELIEVE AT ALL, MEANING YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WANTING TO ACHIEVE BUT ACTUALLY GETTING NO WHERE...THAT COUPLED WITH A FEAR OF FAILURE YOU WILL GO AROUND IN CIRCLES THUS LOWERING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-BELIEVE MECHANISMS!...WOW

(I'll have to work on that concept)- i'll call it the "encouragement loop"

This total health thing is a bummer....I actually feel like it is hard work to be healthy.....HOW CAN THAT BE..

im not really a new comer to this health lark ....I used to train in TAE KWON DO...I used to train 5 days a week I fought in Tournaments and was a little karate kid....I used to eat the correct foods, I didn't smoke until I was 19...

So what happened I hear you ask... well I left home at 18., met this girl and settled down in this dingy little council flat...it all started out to be a bit of a laugh...but then REALITY SET IT..we had no idea of how to live...we actually used to eat beans out of a can.. for our daily meal....that caused a negativity loop that reduced self esteem + health...so the bad eating paths took over...more about what happened next later..

the coming years really were the ultimate test.....I moved to the city and the whole question of MANIPULATION came into the game....

im going to do a whole right up on MANIPULATION... There are people out there that can really get what they want....from your salesperson to you club promoter....things like NLP (neural linguistic programming) exist and work purely to reprogram your mind!. IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND WHO CAN DO WHAT....

This brings on the whole thing about PARANOIA.

My dictionary says paranoia is:

"1 : a psychosis characterized by systematized delusions of persecution or grandeur usually without hallucinations"

"2 : a tendency on the part of an individual or group toward excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others"

Ive been paranoid in the past big time....but delusions of persecutions...seems almost TOO MUCH...

WHAT ARE THESE DICTIONARY PEOPLE TRYING TO DO TO US...THERE OBVIOUSLY OUT TO TELL US WHAT OUR MIND IS DOING...

ITS AMAZING THAT WORDS STRUCTURE OUR MINDS.....

is there a study of words...I think its called eptomology...im going but that in my goals thingy....

I got this really nice Email from someone I met recently.....saying how this Journal helped her on her own issues...That really made my day.

Just Day 2 and I have to feedback that has made this whole diary thing worthwhile....

I have a big concept of FEAR...but I will have to write that up later!...

It is very important to understand FEAR......

Im going to eat something coz my whole enthusiasm of writing has gone down the pan....FOOD = ENERGY!

Need to go to the doctor, getting sharp pains, form my stomach!...but coz i was in and out of hospital as a child with eye operations I am SCARED STIFF OF DOCTORS...and cos Im impatient I can be bothered to wait..

So IM IMPATIENT AND SCARED OF DOCTORS....

So i'll put on the top of the GOALs ....GET A DOCTOR.

also need to understand impatients!!!!! ( I think I know this one...its my concept of THERE IS NO RUSH!)

Back again.........

Wow just read throught the above stuff...seems like a HUGE AMOUNT OF TANGENTING....but hey this is my journal great....

IVE BROUGHT WWW.AGONYLINE.COM

Its gonna have a couple of my mates giving advise etc of specific subjects...

Agonyline will be the big one....there are loads of personal councilling type stuff out there I want this one to be geared towards general relationship issues...

Because if you have a PROBLEM WITH SOMEONE you are having a relationship problem!...

One thing that I have observed in this society is that there is a massive pick and choose mentality in relationships....in the old days you would stay together through everything....Now I see all too often that if in a relationship someone does something wrong. it is either ignored or blownup out of all proportions. Finding the middle ground is the all important thing in any relationship, the ability to deal with things is the key, communication is everything!. - THESE LITTLE OBSERVATIONS REALLY MADE ME REALISE ALOT ABOUT MYSELF.

but get this...if for instance x and y were going out and x had an issue of not tidying up. if Y approached X should Y then say OI YOU MY X.

HOHO...

Right im in ramble mode again!....

Today im feeling slightly KNACKERED....and a bit under the weather

Also Im totally fed up of wearing a suit at work.

So im going to send out a main to 100 people starting a

DROP THE SUIT CAMPAIGN.....im thinking of weather to put this website on the bottom of the mail....What if all of a sudden I get a million people reading about my personal thoughts, life.....

What would I do? See Im not into this EGO thing.. YES I KNOW IVE BROUGHT THE ZAK.NET AND IM PUBLISHING MY DIARY..

I want to show you that anything is achieveable...

What I'll do is start a drop the suit campaign and do it in a way that no one knows it way me that started it....

i'll set up a page of a free website....and write a very well worded EMAIL something like please pass this message on to a million people...

So DROP THE SUIT CAMPAIGN...

another thing Ive realised is how important the saying

JUST DO IT, really is.

If you know you have to do it DO IT.. don't think twice!..

Im going to put some of my poems on here...so I should have a website TO DO LIST...

Great.... I now have added a TO DO LIST......

should I structure this diary in a daily fashion?

I don't know!..

last year I through a series of CELEBRATION OF LIFE get togethers.

they began to grow and grow....I want to throw a HUGE ONE.

Have I got TOO many plans? Yes but they are all achieveable.

Poetry, Painting, MUSIC..la la la

I have learn't soooooo much...but now I wanna give some of it back...

im gonna do some Voluntry work helping the HOMELESS.When I got my past job I said to the universe that I would, if I got the job, help the homeless.

There a couple of homeless guys on the way to work they have been there for a year, I often sit with them and have a good old chin wag. What I have learnt is that these, inteligent guys, don't really want to get into the system. So if thats the case the system won't help them...THATS TERRIBLE...THERE MUST BE AN ANSWER TO THIS...IT REALLY QUITE UPSETS ME WHEN I SEE PEOPLE PUT THROUGH SUCH MISERY, BECAUSE THE SYSTEM DOES NOT HAVE AND ANSWER FOR THEM.

AINT that crap!

That brings up the bigger picture of how are we actually meant to live?

Should we be born into a system...

IM GOING TO MAKE IT MY OWN PERSONAL QUEST TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.....

Im a firm believer in POSITIVITY, I always say.

PLACE POSITIVITY AT THE ROUTE OF ALL THOUGHT.

GOALS = HOMELESS UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM.

Ive also brought another website called Mental Connections.com it should be a contacts database type thing...But I don't have the funds.

and Im all projected out...if you know what I mean!

Phew!

Well guess this! Ive set up the

DROP THE SUIT CAMPAIGN. - UPDATE

I SENT THE MAIL OUT TO A FEW TRUSTIE FRIENDS THAT WILL NO DOUBT SEND THEM ON IVE SET UP A

CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT I SENT..

__End of Journal Day 2?____________

22 March 2000--------------------------------

Right looking at the day before I see I was obviously in hypermode!

Websites, a billion people reading my Diary....

Well im going to come to earth on this entry and speak about how im generally feeling.

Sometimes I feel like my whole life is crazy....Doing mad things, having serious fun...

There was a time when I was really intorverted. I was so pissed off with this situation that I persuaded a  friend of mine to help me with the situation.

basically I went to clubs and pubs and sat near people and talked, we got some funny reactions I tell you.

I observed that there are people out there SCARED of people who just come over and talk to you. Well if we are told from an early age NOT TO SPEAK TO STRANGERS. What do you expect....Yes there are some nutters out there, and we have to protect our children, but such a fear to be instilled into your psyche....NOT FOR ME MATE..

then I went the extreme, talking to everyone, about anything.... but I gained confidence. and that was the first step in my personal progression. Being brought up as asian was hard, I felt that I was often prejudged, and the only coversation point with strangers seemed to revolve around curries!..CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT...the amount of times I heard, what kind of curry to you eat?

I was taught to speak english and not my mother tongue (urdu), this cause massive problem...coz the asians thought I was trying to be english....and the english guys thought I was lieing. MAD...SUCH A PROBLEM WITH COMMUNICATION.

so confidence was very important to me.

The cigarette thing is important to understand, CIGARETTES ARE BAD...THEY ARE KILLERS, THEY WILL KILL YOU.... 

Ok. ive had another cigarette, in fact ive had two.

So Ive looked into dyslexia, GREAT Dyslexia is a GIFT.

Apparently dyslexics see in 3D and have problems seeing certain letters such as A and a. There is a team of folks that actually teach you to mold letters in clay so that you can sub-consciously visualise them.

Great.

The other day I decided to go to Venice...

Now the story goes like this....every so often when my body tells me so ...ie when my mind and my body feel that something is wrong....I go and

SHED MY SKIN

The way I shed my skin is I go to a place, unfamiliar with a note pad and pen and write down every conceiveable thing that is wrong EVERYTHING.

THEN I WRITE DOWN :

WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET TO WHERE I WANT TO GO.

THEN I DO IT!

What I will do in later entries is publish some of my old journals saying what a bad situation I was in and how I have to get out of them...

ITS EASY...THIS IS YOUR UNIVERSE YOU ARE HERE GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT....

ESTABLISH WHAT YOUR ETHICS AND MORALS ARE AND GO FOR IT.

MY MAIN ETHIC IS NOT TO HURT PEOPLE!

How do we decipher what is right and wrong.

well if you have morals and ethics they are your right and wrong comparison...

and will cut in subconsciously... for instance if you believe that it doesn't matter if you eat meat.... (ethic) then you will eat meat.

but if you believe that it does matter if you eat meat and you do eat meat that you will feel wrong....

you create your own rules.... right?

Respect LIFE!....ALWAYS...But understand it!

So back to VENICE...I DECIDED TO GO MYSELF TO SHED MY SKIN.

it did wonders for me....I pranced around in a mask and a cloak ...it was ace...

I lost the last remains of self consciousness that I may have had...

oh by the way SELF CONSCIOUSNESS ....think about it!

your consciousness has the ability to analyse.....the more you analyse something to more you are conscious of it......so if you analyse the self ALL THE TIME you are very self conscious!....

ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU ANALYSE YOURSELF...

think of where that energy can go if you forgot about yourself....! thats when the creative channels open up....trust me!...I know that one!...

So I shed my skin...I know how to sort out the little mess I was in...and BOOM

my life is 100% sorted again..

but here is a twist I meet this group of people at the airport I see them on the bus and I know that we will end up talking....when someone stands out to you...

THE UNIVERSE IS SAYING ...OI THIS IS IMPORTANT.

so at the airport we all exchange numbers...la lala..

go check out http://www.mabelyn.com/ Mabelyn and I are very similar in out thoughts.

so now we have a counterpart who has thought of publishing her diary as well..

NOW WHAT IS THE ODDS THAT YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE IN VENICE KNOW THAT YOU WILL ONE DAY SPEAK. BOTH HAVE WEBNAMES OF A .COM NATURE AND PUBLISH THEIR JOURNALS, POETRY, THOUGHTS, PLANS. BUT LIVE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD...???

This is universe stuff....What I plan to do is show the world exactly what magic is going on by documenting everything...

I have stories that will basically show you that the universe is telling us something!....

YOU MUST READ THE SIGNS!...

I took photos of everyone last year that I met...the meetings are rediculous ...really I met someone here that I met there that knows the group of people that I took a picture of here.if you know what I mean!...

so please check out Mabelyns site....a welcome member of a new idea.

Bye....

End of journal day3

24th of March......

Ok.  here I am sitting and typing away....

BY READING THIS JOURNAL..ive realised that I put too much on the plate at anyone time. Also Ive realised that I am hooked on the adrenilin buzz.

I love the feeling of winning a personal challenge!

So is my entire driving force guided by the mere fact that Im an adrenilin Junkie?

what is ones driving force for life? Surely it shouldn't be directed towards physical chemical hits!

Ive been moving house so at the moment im bombarding myself with financial worries!. Putting unrealistic task to my agenda.

I seek soooo much stability for the future that it has been difficult to focus on the NOW.

the very fact that now is the only that is here, it seems silly to think about too much.

A friend of mine came around the other day and we discussed the mind and the universe.

Some conclusions draw it that the conscious mind is a filter for the subconscious mind.!

Thats true!...the filter is there to iron out and disgard input!..

so for instance if you hear an untruth you instantly process it consciously and send it to the relevent subconscious department.!.

this also works the other way....IF YOU SPEAK USING THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND YOU SPEAK WHAT IS REALLY TRUE!

WHEN YOU HAVE A THOUGHT AND CONSCIOUSLY CHANGE IT TO EITHER MAKE SOMEONE FEEL GOOD OR HIDE THE TRUTH YOU ARE NOT BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF!..

TRUE TO YOURSELF....NOW THATS A CONCEPT IN INSELF....

DOES THAT MEAN PEOPLE ARE LIEING TO THEMSELVES?

WHAT IS THE OUTCOME OF LIEING TO YOURSELF?

It seems easier to hide the reality and live in an illusion....

but what is the real impact of LIVING IN AN ILLUSION?

I think this is called pretentiousness!..

So pretentious people are not being true to themselves they are pretending!

SO DON'T PRETEND!

p.s. HELLO TO ALL THE NEWCOMERS TO MY DIARY...AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FEEDBACK..

<Hello Maeblyn !>

END -----------

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