So I decided to address my single core issue. My emotions. My sence of abandonment. My longing for understanding of my inherent culture. 

I fundamentally realised that everything  you build will collapse if you haven't addressed your emotional foundations. For me, that meant answers to core questions that have been left unanswered. Why have I held so much anger in me. Why have I feared rejection so much that my life became a game of "gain and loss". 

My family are in Pakistan. That is my blood family. This is the family I tried to ignore. I mean what good is it having a family hundreds of miles away when you can't even see them? This led me to find my own family, amongst the strangers of the infinite encounters I carefully selected those who I felt were what I could call family. Someone once said "you can't do it alone".  How true. No matter how much you keep yourself to yourself. you need a connection that is heart felt. But having little or no encounter with the heart it is easy to become lost in the world becoming cold to circumstance that should really affect you. 

I hadn't ever really spoken to my father. We exchanged the odd random whatever every now and then. But generally we would not talk for years. I hadn't seen my father for maybe 10 years. We spoke a couple of years ago when I felt the need to phone him up and forgive him for whatever and said that we need to move on and forget the bad times. I remember taking 80 paracetemal tablets when I was 17 hoping that the all might would take me away. I was praying for somekind of help. I did it because I was introuble.  It was a russian roulette gamble that I hoped would bring my family together. A family that was ripped apart because the west and the east were so far removed that ideals,energies clash so often. People come between each other. Familys fight. Children are thrown out of there only homes. There is no community when you have new views on life. There is no community when you are forced to be different because your environment dictates your persona. 

So my fathers last image of my was in a hospital bed, I didn't die,. But it was nice to see my parents together. For the last time. I ascended from that point. I didn't die. Lucky me. I didn't drink the tablets down with water they didn't dissolve. Gods grace once again. I would have been too easy . I have been put on this earth for a reason. Its not my choice when I die. I know that so I try to listen to the voice within hoping for a sincer channel to guide my way . It led me to Pakistan.

Wow what a trip. Pakistan a place so vast, Experience so amazing. I landed in Lahore. The first thing I did was walk towards taxis. First impression. Friendly people. The taxi driver was very dodgy .  I had be pretend that I spoke the language. I do not. He cottoned on straight away. He managed to hussle a tenner from me. I was later told that it only costs a quid. Silly me. Anyway to cut a long story short. I have a lovely family. My father is a cool dude, although very elderly now. My cousins are very loveable and treated me like a prince. Thank you. The flight home I felt that I healed the world. One of my cousins is a DJ, so I introduced him to psychedelic trance; Of course. I also met many Sufi mystics we prayed together. I went there and focused on the positive. That led me to magical encounters that has changed me.  I feel the something missing has returned home. It was the little me inside the one that never had a chance to give daddy a hug. The little me that wanted to know why so many people set out to hurt me. Why I come from a very strong tribe of people. Why people around the world are so angry at each other. We all need to unite we all need to forgive. We all need to answer core issues. We must all address the inner child sooth the pain within,.We must all give up the victim within.

Now I can start to build my physical world. My quest into the world of spirituality led me to some very strange activities. Magical and mysterious people. We are in such a sensitive time in humanity. we need to really get our act together and not grid lock our lives into an overworked frustration, leaving our wounds untreated.

I have also started going to an anger management class. I have been known to really lose it . I have realized that the anger was stored within. When the ego gets damaged the body responds the same as if physically damaged. This envokes a flight or flight response. Taking a "time out" is one techniques. Basically when you identify the warning signs that you are getting angry. Just take a time out. 1 hour to let the adrenaline burn out. Anger triggers can be linked to feelings of rejectment, loss of control and guilt. Once identified the triggers are to be given a place of acknowledgement the response after the trigger is ones own responsibility. The prophet Mohammed (sws) said "If you are angry. Sit down. If you are sitting down, lie down".

My quest for conscious development is relentless I seek to develop each and every day. Praying for guidance.